REVIEW: EVIL DEAD

Ah, the remake. Er, sorry..."reimagining." That's the correct term nowadays, isn't it? Anybody can "remake" a movie, but it takes a special someone to "reimagine" it.

Well.

I wasn't at all sure about the new Evil Dead movie. I was a kid when the first one came out and blew my little mind. I saw it after it came out on VHS and was totally in love with it. Same with Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness. Sure, I could see that the FX were laughable and that logic and reason flew out the window on the wings of Deadites, but I accepted all that because I loved it.

So when I heard about the remake, my first reaction was, "For God's sake, why?" which was followed by, "Great...they're going to screw it up" and then, "Well, I guess I'll have to go see it." (I adapt to these disturbing things fairly well). I heard a few rumors here and there, particularly that they were going to make the character of Ash a female (ugh! I hate when they do that!). Eventually my feeling about the movie was, "Oh, that's nice dearie. Wake me when it starts."

Then the red-band trailer hit the Internet and I was, shall we say, intrigued.

First off, I was impressed with the creepiness of Cellar Girl. Those eyes were freaky as all hell. And then the gore...oh, my, the gore. Box cutters taken to tongues. Mouths being carved like Thanksgiving turkeys. Blood every-freaking-where. The cringe-factor of the trailer made me wonder if I'd even be able to sit through the movie, given my old-age onset of squeamishness.

So I went to see it on opening day. Matinee show. The audience starts filing into the theater--couples, mainly. How sweet. No better way to share your love than to witness demon possession, I always say. Then a woman comes in with three kids.

Kids. Under ten years old. Kids.

My mouth was still agape with that display of stellar parenting when yet another Mother-of-the-Year comes in with four children, who started complaining about being scared before the Ghost House production credit leaves the screen. They make their way to the back of the theater and I'm left to wonder what the hell those kids are going to think about all the gore and violence in this film. Maybe I'm being all Judgey McJudgment, but I don't understand what goes through some parents' minds.

Anyway, movie starts. Good opening scene. Girl is hunted down by spooky rednecks. Wakes up tied to a post surrounded by rejects from the road show of Deliverance. Creepy witchy woman declares that the only way to save the girl's soul is to burn her alive. Apparently the Evil Dead have been busy, so with a gasoline shower and a flick of a match, the demon is dispatched. Cue title card.

My reaction? Not bad. Continue, please.

The thing I liked about this so-called remake is that it doesn't try to redo the original scene for scene. The five nubiles are at the creepy old cabin to help a friend, Mia, go through heroin withdrawal cold turkey, which doesn't seem like the most fun way to spend a weekend, but what do I know? Mia's brother, David, is there to provide moral support, which is new for him since he skipped out on Mia and left her to deal with their dying, insane mother alone, and the other fresh meat are a couple of old friends and David's soon to be extremely unfortunate girlfriend.

The Book of the Dead is found (no face on it, disappointingly, but some gnarly stitches) wrapped in plastic and barbed wire, so you know it's mint condition. The brainiac of the group, Eric, decides he just has to see what it is, so snip snip go the wirecutters and before you know it, he's perusing page after page of weird languages, violent illustrations and, most tellingly, BIG RED WORDS WARNING HIM TO STOP READING NOW.

Yeah.Well. It's a horror movie. I'll go with it.

Of course, Mr. Smart Guy decides it would be funsies to actually say the words that the book itself begs him not to say aloud. You know, just for shits and giggles. And before you know it, we've got swoopy-cam action in the forest as the Evil Dead make their way to the cabin. Poor old Mia, out in the rain trying to pace away her heroin addiction, just happens to be in the line of fire.

If you've seen the original, then you've got an idea of what happens. Mia is the unfortunate recipient of the forest rape scene (which I hate beyond hate in the original and in this one, and I think it could have been avoided) and next thing you know, she's walking around all yellow-eyed and twitchy, spewing the chunkiest blood vomit I've seen on film and promising everyone that they'll die tonight. And in the cellar she goes.

I'm not going to go into detail about the rest of the movie, because that would take all the horrifying fun out of it. Let's just say that there were several scenes that I literally could not watch, and I'm a gorehound from way back. This movie reminds me of a line from The Princess Bride; it's not a battle to the death with these demons, it's a battle to the pain. Everything just looks so painful. Nail guns are used. Crowbars. Hammers. A Jeep. I'm surprised they didn't take the Book of the Dead and start making paper cuts.

I liked the movie, overall, but there were some things I would have liked to have had clarified. Like, for example, who the hell the people at the beginning of the movie were. But it's a better horror movie than most that are coming out nowadays, and it did try to give its characters some personality and backstory. Of course, after Cabin in the Woods, it's nearly impossible to watch a movie like this without thinking of all the tropes and cliches, but it's easy to get caught up in the action and forget about all that.

This movie is hardcore. Brutal. Painful. Cringe-inducing. Butt-puckering. It's also fun to watch, in a cruel, sadomasochistic way. I enjoyed the movie, even though I closed my eyes during the gnarliest parts, but your mileage may vary. See it at your own risk.

And for God's sake...leave the kids at home.